Confidence...

I was at a MOPS meeting today and I left to use the restroom. As I headed in, I checked myself out in the mirror and had a flashback of myself doing the same thing, but when I was about 20 lbs heavier and also 7-8 months pregnant with Gaby. And it made me pause for a minute.

The reason I stopped for a minute to think about it was because when I was 20 lbs heavier and 7-8 months pregnant, I was confident in how I looked. I loved the way my body looked, how I felt, and just everything I saw in the mirror. I exuded a glow, my hair seemed to shine more than normal, my skin was in great shape, and I was wearing tight shirts and showing off my baby bump confidently.

Since having Gaby, I seem to have lost that. I am back to weighing less than I actually did pre-pregnancy. I lost the weight pretty quickly (I only gained a total of 17 lbs the whole pregnancy, though not for lack of trying, as I ate more fast food and sugar than I think I've ever consumed in my whole life during those 9.5 months!) I've been back to working out about 4 times a week and training for the half marathon for about 6 weeks now. I'm seeing parts of my body tone up, muscles that seemed nonexistent before suddenly show themselves. But I'm much less confident than I was when I was hugely pregnant.

I seem to have lost any sense of style I ever had. I'm wearing the same rotation of just a few outfits. I wear jeans on a daily  basis since I'm a stay at home mom, but my tops and shoes seem to be the same ones I wore through most of my pregnancy or before I got pregnant. Because I'm wearing them so often and washing them so often, they're showing wear, so I'm feeling a little rag tag. I went shopping this past weekend hoping to find something, and left after only trying on a pair of jeans and buying a t-shirt and some pants for running.

I've never (and don't think I'll ever) be the type of person who doesn't care what people think about her. I've always liked dressing up for any occasion. I don't feel comfortable in yoga pants and tank tops or t-shirts unless I'm working out. And if I have to run errands after I work out, I do them as quickly as possible. It took me a long time to get to that point too. In college, I could never have  been the girl who wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt to class. I can't even think of the last time I wore a sweatshirt. And I only wear hoodies to Stroller Strides.

I like clothes...I like shoes. I just don't like anything that's out there right now, and feel lost in my sense of style, if there is one. I have no reason for dressier clothes right now since I'm down on the floor playing with Santi, or getting spit up on by Gaby. But that doesn't mean I don't want to look cute and put together.

The one thing I noticed when I was out shopping is that nothing seems to fit me correctly right now. Tops are too short. Or too blousy. I am not pregnant anymore, so I don't want to look that way. But all of the styles now are too loose for me. Or they're too form fitting, and I'm not confident in tighter shirts either. I also don't feel the need to spend a ton of money on a wardrobe right now when I'm still running and working out and not trying to diet per se, since I'm breastfeeding, but I'd like to tone up and loose inches. And with that comes new clothing sizes. Plus, I'll be participating in Body Back, which is a Stroller Strides program in which women always seem to loose weight and inches, and I hope to be one of them. So I don't want to spend tons of money on clothes that fit my body now only to have them not be flattering in a few months time.

I just feel lost. And tired, and feel like I look ratty. And I can't help remembering my body as it was during my pregnancy, and how I embraced all of the changes. I just loved the way I looked, big belly and all. I never felt fat (which when I was pregnant with Santi, I did.) I felt confident, pretty and attractive to other people. I loved getting dressed and how clothes looked on me and how I felt. Now it's a struggle to find something to wear in my closet. And even if I were at my target weight/look, I still think I'd feel lost putting on clothes.

I just think it's interesting how your mind works, and how much more confidence I had at a higher weight and body fat percentage. I do my best everyday...I make sure to shower, do my hair and put on makeup. I try to work with what I have clothing-wise and to look as cute as I can.

 But, I can't help feeling like I'm in a rut. I'm working to get out of it, but I'm feeling sort of stuck right now. Stores that I used to shop at now seem to young for me to wear a lot of their things because I'm a "mom of two" now. When I shop in there, I'm pushing a double stroller around, and walking past teenagers or college aged girls. Nothing makes you feel older than that. When I go to other stores, I feel like I'm not old enough to shop there, or it's not the right place for me, since I don't have to buy work clothes currently since I stay at home. I remember working and looking forward to the days of being a stay at home mom and being able to wear jeans everyday. And now I'm looking forward to putting work clothes back on, having a reason to wear dresses and heels on occasion, or even just non-jean pants!

I saw a girl at the pediatrician's office the other day who I instantly wished I could be. She was wearing a cute jersey cowl neck top dress with a little sweater over it, black leggings and boots that came up to her knees. I thought, "I would love to wear that outfit. She looks so cute." But then I thought, "That's so impractical for me. Those boots would never get worn because lately when I'm at home, I'm barefoot. When I'm leaving, I'm in sneakers because I'm going to work out, or sandals or flats because I'm running errands. And a dress? I can't even begin to imagine crawling on the floor with Santi while I'm wearing something like that." So I'm resigned to wearing my normal "mom" uniform.

I also have a sort of jealousy towards my children, in that they don't have to think about what they're going to wear. I pick out their clothes and dress them everyday. And they look cute in everything they wear. They don't have to worry about body issues. Big bellies are in on toddlers and newborns. :) Chubby thighs are revered! Fat rolls on your arms are what people look for. My husband has that luck as well (well, not with the big belly, chubby thighs and fat rolls, but that he can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt or jeans and a polo, or khakis and a button down and look good.) In a way, I wish I had someone who could pick out my clothes for me and just say, "This is what you're wearing." And that I would trust that that person wouldn't make me look silly.

Life is a lot simpler when you have other people doing things for you... :)

And the beat keeps running, running....

So 11 weeks ago, I started in a running club through Stroller Strides. I ran a 10k last September with the same group and I hadn't really run since so I wanted to be able to do it again.

I arrived at the 10k this morning and met up with the other moms from Stroller Strides. The race began, and I set a good pace for myself. I was in the middle of the pack, and having no shin splint/leg issues, and my breathing was right. I had a good running mix on my IPod, and it started out with the Glee cast's version of Florence and the Machine's "The Dog Days are Over." SUCH a good song. I was pumped.

Then the Black Eyed Pea's "I Gotta Feeling" came on at the right time, right as we were heading up a slow, gradual hill. This song always makes me smile, as it was the first song I heard on the radio as I was leaving my OB's office, when I found out I was "officially" pregnant with Santi (I needed a doc to tell me that yes, the 6 pregnancy tests I had taken were indeed right.) :) So Tito and I have always referred to it as the "Santi song", and it always makes me smile. I was wearing my "MOM" necklace, that has Santi's name and birthdate stamped into metal. I reached up to feel for it as I was climbing the hill and couldn't find it. And then I did. And it was resting right over my heart (and stayed there for the whole race.) And then I lost it and started to cry. As I was running. And I kept a good pace too. :) I cried because I was so happy, and so proud of what I was doing.

I was proud that I was setting a good example for my son, and I couldn't wait until he was a little older and could run with me. I was proud that this was my second 10k. I was proud that it was a little over a year after I'd had Santi and I was running another race (my second since having him.) I was proud that after having him via c-section and then having major complications leading to a second surgery, I was running this race. All the while keeping a good pace.

And then I started to think about the bigger picture for me - not just that I was proud as a mom that I was running the race but that I was proud of myself. Someone who had Kawasaki Disease at 15 and was left with multiple giant (8mm-13mm in size) aneurysms on both my left and right coronary arteries. Someone who has had three heart attacks since I was 19 years old, with my most recent being last year. Someone who will have to have bypass surgery at some point in the future (nearer rather than farther.) Someone who can look at parents of young kids who are getting Kawasaki Disease now and when they ask "will my child ever be able to live a "normal" life" I can confidently say yes. That I have these health problems, but I run! That I have these health problems, and I had a baby! And will have another one at some point soon! That the only limitation in my life is what my mind says I can't do...and even though it may be hard to get through the race, I can do it. And when I finish the race, there will always be another one, be it an actual race or a metaphorical race in life. But I can do it.

And I did it. I finished the race in 1 hour and 4 mins, which was 2 full minutes faster than my last race. I pushed for the last mile and ran that in 8.5 minutes. Shakira's song "Waka Waka" came on in my mix and the words really inspired me to push myself (aside from the "this time for Africa" part!):

"You're a good soldier
Choosing your battles
Pick yourself up
And dust yourself off
And back in the saddle

You're on the front line
Everyone's watching
You know it's serious
We're getting closer
This isn't over

The pressure is on
You feel it
But you've got it all
Believe it

When you fall get up
Oh oh...
And if you fall get up
Oh oh...

Tsamina mina
Zangalewa
Cuz this is Africa

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa
This time for Africa

Listen to your God
This is our motto
Your time to shine
Don't wait in line
Y vamos por todo

People are raising
Their expectations
Go on and feed them
This is your moment
No hesitations

Today's your day
I feel it
You paved the way
Believe it

If you get down
Get up Oh oh...
When you get down
Get up eh eh...

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa
This time for Africa

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa

Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka Waka eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa."

So I'm proud of myself. For finishing today in the time and way that I did, and for the fact that I know I will get up tomorrow and go and work out with my fellow Stroller Strides moms. And that I'll keep running the races, both actual and metaphorically.

With my favorite running partner - even though he didn't run with me today!

How I'm feeling...

So I've been working out solidly for about 7 weeks now. The original goal was to lose some weight, tone up and just generally feel better. The other goal was to look good since I'm headed home to see family for the first time since having Santi a year ago. Let's face it, that was the primary goal. The other stuff is secondary.

So I started going to Stroller Strides back at the beginning of March, and have been going consistently about 4 days a week. Recently, I've amped it up and have been going 5 days a week. Each class is an hour long and there are strength training exercises with resistance bands, squats, cardio bursts and ab work. In between each station where we do this, there is either "walking with intent" or running. I've chosen to run each time usually. And I've also been participating in Running Club, with the goal of running my second 10k on Mother's Day.

At this point, I've maybe lost 5lbs. But I feel fantastic. I'm definitely noticing changes in my body, such as tighter abs, definition in my upper abs, tons of definition in my thighs and calves, and more defined arms and shoulders. My clothes are fitting better, and are looser. I have more stamina when it comes to working out (I did Zumba the other night with Tito and while I'm usually winded after doing a Zumba DVD, I was feeling really good at the end of it and not really tired at all.) And I ran 6.5 miles on Saturday (we were scheduled to run 6 miles in training for the 10k, but I did a bit more) and the whole time, in addition to singing along to my playlist on my Ipod, I kept thinking how proud I was of myself. And I was in amazement of my body.

To think that a year ago, I was recovering from a c-section and second major surgery to repair a bleeding artery, and that 5 months after that, I was in the hospital, having had my 3rd heart attack (albeit a teeny tiny one like the other two!) It's amazing that I'm working out every day. It's amazing that I'm running a 10k and basically did that on Saturday. It's amazing that I'm thinking about possibly running a half marathon (13 miles) this summer. Our bodies are amazing in their ability to recover from trauma, and not remember the pain that we have gone through. And to put them through more pain through working out and running!

So what are YOU doing to work out and make yourself feel better? Because really, that's all that it's about - not a number on the scale (which is just a number.) It's not what the scale says,  but how you feel about yourself. Spring is here, so let's get moving!

Work it out...

Our days have been pretty blah around here lately. Lots of rain and grey skies, so not a whole lot of opportunity to get out and go to parks or even just walk around. We do manage to get out of the house though, although most of the time, we're heading out to do errands, but we also head out at least 4 times a week to Stroller Strides, which is a fitness program I joined about a year ago after Santi was born. Back then he was such a little guy, in his Snap and Go stroller, mostly either sleeping through class while I worked out doing cardio work or resistance band exercises. Now, he's a bigger guy and generally likes hanging in his stroller while I work out. He has even accompanied me on some runs.

I had to take a hiatus from Stroller Strides when I was working for about 5 months, and I missed it. I've been back since February and since the beginning of March have been going consistently about 4-5 times a week. My intention was to get out of the house, get to exercise, and get Santi to meet some other kids his age and interact with them. Along the way, I joined the Running Club through my branch of Stroller Strides, and even though I haven't been able to make it to all of the group runs, I've been able to make it to many of them and I'm already pleased with the progress I've made from the last running club I did. I will be running a 10k on May 8 (Mother's Day!) with my fellow Running Clubers, and it'll be a great day for sure!

I've also been happy to be back at Stroller Strides because it's helping me accomplish my goals of not only getting into better shape but losing some weight as well. I'm already at a lower weight than I was pre-pregnancy, but things shift when you get pregnant, so I'm working to shift them back! After only a few weeks, my clothes started fitting better, and I've definitely lost inches on my hips and waist. And I'm gaining muscle in my arms and shoulders that I've never had before! I know that continuing to go will help me get into the best shape I've ever been, as well as prepare my body for the hardest journey ever - getting pregnant with baby #2 (of which we're currently working on.)

So here's Santi at Stroller Strides this morning - it was a chilly morning, but he was all bundled up as we headed outside (thankfully it wasn't raining!)

Overheard

I was at Stroller Strides yesterday morning and one of my least favorite people was there. The back story on this woman is that she just generally is always doing something to call attention to herself. Be it chatting about odd things during class, or sharing too much. At the beginning of class we always introduce ourselves, and our kids, and then we usually share one thing. Usually it's something silly like our kid's favorite toy, or our favorite sandwich, or whatever. When it's her turn to "share", she over-shares. As in, for her favorite sandwich, she went into the fact that she doesn't like sandwiches and gave a back story on it. For her favorite Disney movie, she launched into a diatribe about which movies she used to like, her current favorites and her son's favorites and how many times they've all watched them.

So anyway, we were all outside working out, doing wall sits and bicep curls at the same time. This is not a "fun and easy" exercise, so I don't like to talk during it and neither do a lot of the women. Except this woman. Since no one was really replying to her chatter she took to talking to her kids. One of which is 2 and the other is 8 weeks. So the 2 year old looks at her and says "Mama, what are you doing?"

Most of us, if we get this question from our kids while working out would say "Mama's working out." or "Mama's exercising." What does this woman say?

"Mama's doing some work to repair all of the damage you and your brother did to her body."

?? To a two year old? Who repeats almost everything? And you know that's going to come back to her in one way or another. I don't even care what age her kid was - just saying that is pretty bad in my opinion.

I chose to have Santi, and I'm choosing to have another child. I knew going into it that things would change, but the good (having Santi and other kids) outweighed the bad (extra weight, little flap of flab on my belly, 6 inch c-section scar, etc.) Do I wish I could look like the celebrities after they have their babies and c-sections (a.k.a. tummy tucks and lipo?) Sure! But I know that my only way to get things back into shape is through diet and exercise. And I definitely would never blame (even in a joking manner) my child.