I was at a MOPS meeting today and I left to use the restroom. As I headed in, I checked myself out in the mirror and had a flashback of myself doing the same thing, but when I was about 20 lbs heavier and also 7-8 months pregnant with Gaby. And it made me pause for a minute.
The reason I stopped for a minute to think about it was because when I was 20 lbs heavier and 7-8 months pregnant, I was confident in how I looked. I loved the way my body looked, how I felt, and just everything I saw in the mirror. I exuded a glow, my hair seemed to shine more than normal, my skin was in great shape, and I was wearing tight shirts and showing off my baby bump confidently.
Since having Gaby, I seem to have lost that. I am back to weighing less than I actually did pre-pregnancy. I lost the weight pretty quickly (I only gained a total of 17 lbs the whole pregnancy, though not for lack of trying, as I ate more fast food and sugar than I think I've ever consumed in my whole life during those 9.5 months!) I've been back to working out about 4 times a week and training for the half marathon for about 6 weeks now. I'm seeing parts of my body tone up, muscles that seemed nonexistent before suddenly show themselves. But I'm much less confident than I was when I was hugely pregnant.
I seem to have lost any sense of style I ever had. I'm wearing the same rotation of just a few outfits. I wear jeans on a daily basis since I'm a stay at home mom, but my tops and shoes seem to be the same ones I wore through most of my pregnancy or before I got pregnant. Because I'm wearing them so often and washing them so often, they're showing wear, so I'm feeling a little rag tag. I went shopping this past weekend hoping to find something, and left after only trying on a pair of jeans and buying a t-shirt and some pants for running.
I've never (and don't think I'll ever) be the type of person who doesn't care what people think about her. I've always liked dressing up for any occasion. I don't feel comfortable in yoga pants and tank tops or t-shirts unless I'm working out. And if I have to run errands after I work out, I do them as quickly as possible. It took me a long time to get to that point too. In college, I could never have been the girl who wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt to class. I can't even think of the last time I wore a sweatshirt. And I only wear hoodies to Stroller Strides.
I like clothes...I like shoes. I just don't like anything that's out there right now, and feel lost in my sense of style, if there is one. I have no reason for dressier clothes right now since I'm down on the floor playing with Santi, or getting spit up on by Gaby. But that doesn't mean I don't want to look cute and put together.
The one thing I noticed when I was out shopping is that nothing seems to fit me correctly right now. Tops are too short. Or too blousy. I am not pregnant anymore, so I don't want to look that way. But all of the styles now are too loose for me. Or they're too form fitting, and I'm not confident in tighter shirts either. I also don't feel the need to spend a ton of money on a wardrobe right now when I'm still running and working out and not trying to diet per se, since I'm breastfeeding, but I'd like to tone up and loose inches. And with that comes new clothing sizes. Plus, I'll be participating in Body Back, which is a Stroller Strides program in which women always seem to loose weight and inches, and I hope to be one of them. So I don't want to spend tons of money on clothes that fit my body now only to have them not be flattering in a few months time.
I just feel lost. And tired, and feel like I look ratty. And I can't help remembering my body as it was during my pregnancy, and how I embraced all of the changes. I just loved the way I looked, big belly and all. I never felt fat (which when I was pregnant with Santi, I did.) I felt confident, pretty and attractive to other people. I loved getting dressed and how clothes looked on me and how I felt. Now it's a struggle to find something to wear in my closet. And even if I were at my target weight/look, I still think I'd feel lost putting on clothes.
I just think it's interesting how your mind works, and how much more confidence I had at a higher weight and body fat percentage. I do my best everyday...I make sure to shower, do my hair and put on makeup. I try to work with what I have clothing-wise and to look as cute as I can.
But, I can't help feeling like I'm in a rut. I'm working to get out of it, but I'm feeling sort of stuck right now. Stores that I used to shop at now seem to young for me to wear a lot of their things because I'm a "mom of two" now. When I shop in there, I'm pushing a double stroller around, and walking past teenagers or college aged girls. Nothing makes you feel older than that. When I go to other stores, I feel like I'm not old enough to shop there, or it's not the right place for me, since I don't have to buy work clothes currently since I stay at home. I remember working and looking forward to the days of being a stay at home mom and being able to wear jeans everyday. And now I'm looking forward to putting work clothes back on, having a reason to wear dresses and heels on occasion, or even just non-jean pants!
I saw a girl at the pediatrician's office the other day who I instantly wished I could be. She was wearing a cute jersey cowl neck top dress with a little sweater over it, black leggings and boots that came up to her knees. I thought, "I would love to wear that outfit. She looks so cute." But then I thought, "That's so impractical for me. Those boots would never get worn because lately when I'm at home, I'm barefoot. When I'm leaving, I'm in sneakers because I'm going to work out, or sandals or flats because I'm running errands. And a dress? I can't even begin to imagine crawling on the floor with Santi while I'm wearing something like that." So I'm resigned to wearing my normal "mom" uniform.
I also have a sort of jealousy towards my children, in that they don't have to think about what they're going to wear. I pick out their clothes and dress them everyday. And they look cute in everything they wear. They don't have to worry about body issues. Big bellies are in on toddlers and newborns. :) Chubby thighs are revered! Fat rolls on your arms are what people look for. My husband has that luck as well (well, not with the big belly, chubby thighs and fat rolls, but that he can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt or jeans and a polo, or khakis and a button down and look good.) In a way, I wish I had someone who could pick out my clothes for me and just say, "This is what you're wearing." And that I would trust that that person wouldn't make me look silly.
Life is a lot simpler when you have other people doing things for you... :)
The reason I stopped for a minute to think about it was because when I was 20 lbs heavier and 7-8 months pregnant, I was confident in how I looked. I loved the way my body looked, how I felt, and just everything I saw in the mirror. I exuded a glow, my hair seemed to shine more than normal, my skin was in great shape, and I was wearing tight shirts and showing off my baby bump confidently.
Since having Gaby, I seem to have lost that. I am back to weighing less than I actually did pre-pregnancy. I lost the weight pretty quickly (I only gained a total of 17 lbs the whole pregnancy, though not for lack of trying, as I ate more fast food and sugar than I think I've ever consumed in my whole life during those 9.5 months!) I've been back to working out about 4 times a week and training for the half marathon for about 6 weeks now. I'm seeing parts of my body tone up, muscles that seemed nonexistent before suddenly show themselves. But I'm much less confident than I was when I was hugely pregnant.
I seem to have lost any sense of style I ever had. I'm wearing the same rotation of just a few outfits. I wear jeans on a daily basis since I'm a stay at home mom, but my tops and shoes seem to be the same ones I wore through most of my pregnancy or before I got pregnant. Because I'm wearing them so often and washing them so often, they're showing wear, so I'm feeling a little rag tag. I went shopping this past weekend hoping to find something, and left after only trying on a pair of jeans and buying a t-shirt and some pants for running.
I've never (and don't think I'll ever) be the type of person who doesn't care what people think about her. I've always liked dressing up for any occasion. I don't feel comfortable in yoga pants and tank tops or t-shirts unless I'm working out. And if I have to run errands after I work out, I do them as quickly as possible. It took me a long time to get to that point too. In college, I could never have been the girl who wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt to class. I can't even think of the last time I wore a sweatshirt. And I only wear hoodies to Stroller Strides.
I like clothes...I like shoes. I just don't like anything that's out there right now, and feel lost in my sense of style, if there is one. I have no reason for dressier clothes right now since I'm down on the floor playing with Santi, or getting spit up on by Gaby. But that doesn't mean I don't want to look cute and put together.
The one thing I noticed when I was out shopping is that nothing seems to fit me correctly right now. Tops are too short. Or too blousy. I am not pregnant anymore, so I don't want to look that way. But all of the styles now are too loose for me. Or they're too form fitting, and I'm not confident in tighter shirts either. I also don't feel the need to spend a ton of money on a wardrobe right now when I'm still running and working out and not trying to diet per se, since I'm breastfeeding, but I'd like to tone up and loose inches. And with that comes new clothing sizes. Plus, I'll be participating in Body Back, which is a Stroller Strides program in which women always seem to loose weight and inches, and I hope to be one of them. So I don't want to spend tons of money on clothes that fit my body now only to have them not be flattering in a few months time.
I just feel lost. And tired, and feel like I look ratty. And I can't help remembering my body as it was during my pregnancy, and how I embraced all of the changes. I just loved the way I looked, big belly and all. I never felt fat (which when I was pregnant with Santi, I did.) I felt confident, pretty and attractive to other people. I loved getting dressed and how clothes looked on me and how I felt. Now it's a struggle to find something to wear in my closet. And even if I were at my target weight/look, I still think I'd feel lost putting on clothes.
I just think it's interesting how your mind works, and how much more confidence I had at a higher weight and body fat percentage. I do my best everyday...I make sure to shower, do my hair and put on makeup. I try to work with what I have clothing-wise and to look as cute as I can.
But, I can't help feeling like I'm in a rut. I'm working to get out of it, but I'm feeling sort of stuck right now. Stores that I used to shop at now seem to young for me to wear a lot of their things because I'm a "mom of two" now. When I shop in there, I'm pushing a double stroller around, and walking past teenagers or college aged girls. Nothing makes you feel older than that. When I go to other stores, I feel like I'm not old enough to shop there, or it's not the right place for me, since I don't have to buy work clothes currently since I stay at home. I remember working and looking forward to the days of being a stay at home mom and being able to wear jeans everyday. And now I'm looking forward to putting work clothes back on, having a reason to wear dresses and heels on occasion, or even just non-jean pants!
I saw a girl at the pediatrician's office the other day who I instantly wished I could be. She was wearing a cute jersey cowl neck top dress with a little sweater over it, black leggings and boots that came up to her knees. I thought, "I would love to wear that outfit. She looks so cute." But then I thought, "That's so impractical for me. Those boots would never get worn because lately when I'm at home, I'm barefoot. When I'm leaving, I'm in sneakers because I'm going to work out, or sandals or flats because I'm running errands. And a dress? I can't even begin to imagine crawling on the floor with Santi while I'm wearing something like that." So I'm resigned to wearing my normal "mom" uniform.
I also have a sort of jealousy towards my children, in that they don't have to think about what they're going to wear. I pick out their clothes and dress them everyday. And they look cute in everything they wear. They don't have to worry about body issues. Big bellies are in on toddlers and newborns. :) Chubby thighs are revered! Fat rolls on your arms are what people look for. My husband has that luck as well (well, not with the big belly, chubby thighs and fat rolls, but that he can just throw on jeans and a t-shirt or jeans and a polo, or khakis and a button down and look good.) In a way, I wish I had someone who could pick out my clothes for me and just say, "This is what you're wearing." And that I would trust that that person wouldn't make me look silly.
Life is a lot simpler when you have other people doing things for you... :)
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