I think yesterday was the hardest day I've experienced in the past two months. It seemed as if all of the exhausting days and nights finally compiled and I woke up more tired than I've ever been before. Everything seemed to catch up to me yesterday, and I wasn't just tired due to lack of sleep, I was tired in general. Tired of the sleepless nights, the constant crying from Gaby, the constant whining and neediness of Santi.
I knew that having two kids would be hard. With Santi, we were blessed with an unusual child. He slept through the night (7-8 hours each night) at 6 weeks old, and he still sleeps great. He would sleep anywhere (bouncer, swing, on me, etc.) with no issues. He had no health issues (since we figure the first two weeks of his life that he spent in the NICU were enough!) and just was generally a very easy baby.
Gaby is so different. We are dealing with her having GERD (reflux), and she will sleep in fits and spurts throughout the night. She won't sleep in anything other than her bouncy chair. She starts the night in her chair in her crib (because we are trying to get her used to the crib so she will eventually sleep in it!), and then ends the night in bed with us since I usually nurse her in bed and will fall asleep while nursing her. This makes for a rough nights sleep for me since I'm constantly waking to either nurse her or when she's in bed, even if I fall asleep, I wake up constantly to check on her. I don't think I've gotten more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night for the past two months.
And on top of that no sleep, I wake up and have to watch a very active two year old, who is trying to test boundaries at every chance he gets. He's still dealing with the fact that his sister is here and taking up my attention, which I understand. But it doesn't make it any easier when he's screaming or crying because he wants something. Or melts down. Or throws something.
He loves his sister and is very sweet with her. He will kiss her unprovoked if she's crying. He will hold her hand. He loves to see her first thing in the morning and when he wakes up from his nap. But there are things he doesn't fully understand, like that he needs to be really gentle with her. So he will sometimes try to pull her out of her bouncy chair or the swing. Or he will get on top of her in the bouncy chair trying to "hug" her. But since he's a toddler he's rougher than he should be.
On top of caring for the two kids on no sleep, I have a house to clean, dinners and lunches to make, a yard to work on, errands to run, and general life things to do. Tito has been great at helping. He's even given me a night a week to go out and do anything I'd like to do. This is nice, although I've only gone once so far, but it's nice to have that time. It gives me the chance to run errands for me without kids in tow, see a movie, go somewhere and read a book, visit with friends, etc.
So yesterday it all compiled and I felt overwhelmed, discouraged and just generally down, on top of being exhausted. In talking with Tito, he said he'd do whatever he could to help me out. There are things like housework that he will help with. Or helping more with the kids.
Ironically, I had a physical appointment yesterday and I spoke to my doctor about what I was feeling. I told her about the exhaustion and just generally how defeated I was feeling due to Gaby not sleeping well, and my not getting sleep. I also mentioned to her that while I felt bonded to Gaby and love her undeniably, that I am still feeling like I'm not as bonded to her as I was with Santi at this stage. And what is odd about that is that with Santi he was in the NICU for the first two weeks, so I didn't have the one on one time I should have had. Whereas with Gaby, she was fine and was in the room with us from the beginning, so I felt like I should be more bonded with her. But sometimes, it's hard not to resent her a bit when she cries, takes my attention from Santi, or my sleep away. And then I feel extremely guilty for feeling resentful towards my baby.
I love her so much. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I feel so happy and definitely like our family is complete. But it still feels like something is "off". And I know it's normal (my doctor actually told me she went through something similar when she had her second child.) She told me she thinks I'm probably in the valley of the experience now, and in the next month we'll come out of it. Santi should be more adjusted to having his sister around, hopefully she'll be sleeping better by then, and we will have adjusted more to having two children rather than just one.
She encouraged me to remember me in all of this as well. She told me not to give up working out, as this will help me feel better and will give me more of a purpose. To not feel like everything needs to be done all at once (which is a flaw of mine.) Things will get done, and if we need to get someone else to do it for us (i.e. hire a cleaning service for a few months to do deep cleaning) then to do it.
She also encouraged me to get out with Tito, and remember us. We've been talking for about four months (so before Gaby was born!) about getting a babysitter so we could go on dates. We are still talking about it. So we're going to bite the bullet and hire someone to watch the kids.
Last night made a big difference - Gaby normally goes to bed around 8:30 or so and sleeps pretty horribly (waking every hour or less) until about 11:30pm. So Tito took that first shift and let me sleep. And this morning, even though I'd only gotten another hour or so sleep through the whole night, I felt so much better. Less tired, and refreshed. Such a difference. I think also talking about it yesterday with my doctor and Tito helped and made me realize I just need to get through the next month or so and that things will get better. "This too shall pass."
So it's not a miracle cure for everything, and Gaby still has issues with GERD and needing to be carried all the time, and Santi is still frustrated sometimes and throwing or yelling instead of talking about what's bugging him. But I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. That I can be the best mom I can be, still do things around the house, take care of me and take care of my relationship with Tito.
