Thankful...

So I'm going to participate in the thankful challenge and manage to mention at least one thing I'm thankful for every day. Today I choose my kid(s). Seems appropriate to start there. I'm thankful that when we went to the OB's office today we heard a nice, strong, healthy heartbeat from baby girl. And that even though Santi was EXHAUSTING today, being the little toddler boy that he is, as I was chasing him around the waiting room, or entertaining him with books and snacks, or feeding him his lunch, he makes me smile on a daily, if not hourly basis.

And then I was on Pinterest, which brings me to another thankful - I'm thankful for a good cry. Chalk it up to hormones, but sometimes a good cry just makes everything better, even if you don't think you have anything to cry about. It's refreshing to "wash" away pent up feelings and aggressions. And the source of my crying? This quote in this pin:

"You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint. You are the shining star I reached for in my ever hopeful quest for life fulfilled. You are my child. Now with all things I am blessed."

I've been feeling a loss of sense of self recently. I'm not 100% into the mommy scene, and don't want to be out of the working world. I'm home with my child (and soon to be children) because #1 we can afford it, and #2 with two kids it's going to save us some money. I do enjoy it but I know I won't like it forever. I can't be one of those constant stay at home moms. I feel flack sometimes from the SAHM's I know as to why I don't want to be home forever, and I feel flack sometimes from my working mom friends as to me being home is the reason I have an organized house, get a lot of projects tackled, etc. When in all actuality, that's my personality. If I were working full time and spending time with Santi and Tito, I'd still get those things done  because having an organized home is important to me. I'm somewhat OCD so I think that has something to do with it too. :)

I need to get back to work, but lately I've been thinking a lot about how I won't be doing that for at least the next year since the plan is to be home with the baby until she's a year old because daycare is so stinkin' expensive for kids under one. It's been a bit discouraging because I miss so many aspects about it. But I know why I do it. Because I will cherish the memories with my kids at this age. They will never remember it, I realize, except when they see photos. But I'll look back and I know I'll be happy that I did it.

So, I might have some dreams that I've had to put on hold, some wishes I might have to put aside. But ultimately, for me, it's worth it, even after really hard days where I'm so tired I can barely stay awake past 8pm to spend time with Tito. Because I got to play chase with Santi, or tickle the grumpiness out of him. Or when the baby arrives, I got to rock her to sleep. And truthfully I have so much life left to live, that I'm glad I get to spend time with my baby now. Jobs will come and go but I'll never get these few moments back with my kiddos.